User talk:Rebel for the Day
MrDupin (talk) 16:22, November 26, 2016 (UTC) Re: There is a copy of your story. Please do not reupload or make duplicates as it seems like it was deleted for the reasons listed in the template and for not being up to quality standards. I'm not the admin that deleted it, but as a former admin, I can see a number of issues present that likely resulted in its deletion. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 16:45, November 26, 2016 (UTC) :^ I can't give you the specifics as I'm not the deleting admin (see my message above), but I can't point out the issues I found. Starting with the basics, do not remove the "Marked for Review" tags. Your story was tagged with that as there were issues present (which I will list below) and removing that makes it seem like you're trying to dodge that fact. Onto the larger issues: :Capitalization: "Until November 24, A (a) day that would change his life forever, but the change was for the worst.", "His family was driving along a highway in the northern part of colorado (Colorado) that had no other cars any where to be seen and it was a cold, cold day", etc. Remember that proper nouns (like names, places, etc) need to be capitalized while regular words in a sentence should be left uncapitalized. :Punctuation: Apostrophes missing from possessive and contractive words. "Taking anything that was of value, even his mother(')s and father(')s wedding ring(rings).", "Then soon they had what they wanted and when they were both looking at his mother(')s wedding ring, Ardan'(s) father went up from behind and grabbed one of them", ""Hey man(comma missing) let(')s get out of here, the police are coming!"" etc. Questions (even rhetorical ones) should have a question mark. ""We can't have any 'living' witnesses to this, now can we.(?)"" :Wording: Starting with the basics, you start a lot of sentences with conjunctions (but, and, because, etc.) This gives the story a very start-and-stop feel. Awkward wording. "Another birthday passed was finally released after two long months in the hospital.", "there.He attended (sic) counsoling for these behaviors.", "He had insanely wanted to kill those men, make them suffer as he had.", etc. I would suggest trying to read the story aloud to yourself and areas where you hit stumbling blocks are generally places that need revision. :Wording continued: There are a lot of redundancies here. "He was hooded and fierce looking with a gun in his hands and demanded that they get out of the car. "Get out of the car, and don't try anything."". Re-stating that the man asked them to get out of the car twice brings no new information to the story. (He wrote out a list of what is wrong with your story. "Here is a list of things that are wrong with the story.") "The years went by, he was 5, then 6, then 7, then 8 years old and so on and so forth." feels extremely redundant. As that is how time progresses, that feels un-necessary. ETC. :Fragmented sentences: "Taking anything that was of value, even his mothers and fathers wedding ring.", "Argued with someone unseen.", "His parents.", "His life as he knew it", "Strung up and tortured.", etc. Once in a while, a fragmented sentence can improve the style of a story, but using them 10+ times throughout the story just makes it feel rushed. Another thing making the story seem rushed is the real lack of detail/focus. Lines like: "He had gross thoughts about in what ways he could torture them." don't paint a mental picture. :Story issues: "Ardan Jacobs was a normal boy just like any other." There are a massive amount of OC/CPC stories that start like this. It really comes off like a generic introduction. Tack on the obligatory Slenderman appearance "While he laid in the bed he looked out the window and saw both a tall man with no face, and a boy much his age standing next to him." and it feels very formulaic. Here is a guide on things to avoid when writing an OC/CPC story (like describing clothing in excess, formulaic plots, general tropes to avoid, etc.) :Plot issues: "He knew what their voices were like, their heights, and even did a search through phone books and criminal databases and found where they lived." How exactly does he have access to criminal databases? In fact, how is he able to track down these men at all. The likelihood of him finding them is incredibly small. Also taking into account that the police also have all this information, why haven't they cracked the case? Even if they dropped the case, it feels oddly coincidental that Ardan would turn up this information easily using their own system. :Plot issues cont.: "He went to one of them and silently tied the man's hand and tied cloth around his mouth. Then proceeded to do the same with the other man and dragged both of them down into their own basement." How exactly is he able to tie up, control, and murder two grown men? It seems odd that he'd be able to gag two separate people without any sound or a struggle occurring. It feels really contrived. :There are other plot issues present, but I feel like this is a good starting point. Given the numerous capitalization, punctuation, awkward wording, typos, fragmented sentences, and plot issues, I can see why this was deleted by MrDupin for not meeting quality standards. I suggest taking your next story to the writer's workshop as there are a lot of issues here and the premise has been covered a lot of times in OC/CPC stories (protagonist driven by revenge, begins randomly murdering people, has superhuman skills like the ability to overpower/silently subdue multiple targets, etc). EmpyrealInvective (talk) 17:20, November 26, 2016 (UTC) MrDupin (talk) 18:32, November 26, 2016 (UTC)